Unlike many in the "gay community," I strive to avoid definition. I succeed in most respects; a lot of people tell me they would never have guessed. These people, either straight or just imperceptive (or both), don't seem to care one way or the other. For whatever reason - obliviousness, liberalness, or maybe they have a loved one who is gay - many people don't think it's such a bad thing.
However, it's easiest to just ignore "the gay." People are more productive that way. There's less awkwardness and fewer uneasy moments. There's also the possibility of both parties making an effort to blot out such momentary discomfort, throw shining smiles on their faces, and continue the conversation...
...Continuing the dialogue is important, even if you start to notice the "tells." Some of the obvious, universal ones, such as staring, give us away immediately. I find staring disconcerting, yet sometimes flattering, and I do it more frequently than I care to. Since I haven't mastered the necessary stealth of this action, I'm often caught. My body temperature rises instantaneously, and, from one heart-pound to the next, I've made the decision to commit sepuku, for one has to save his honor even if it is a last ditch effort.
But, what is honorable in my position? I conceal my homosexual "tells" in order to operate more seamlessly in this choked society. Yet, I also do so to avoid being categorized, defined, labeled. To a very concrete degree, I fear this imposed organization because I'd rather not be seen through a tinted lens. I'd rather the people I love not see me through a grayish haze or a yellow-brown sheen.
So, I wonder, is wanting to be the same in this way really so dishonorable?
No; there's no reason I shouldn't be the same.
Kansas City's Gay Pride festival - celebration, fair, whatever they call it - is this weekend, and I'm going with a friend. But the "pride" part doesn't appeal to me. The overtness, the loudness, the drag - these are remnants of a movement for equality that isn't needed anymore. We are already accomplishing change (slowly) in the the higher levels of our society. However, we do need the continuance of dialogue. We need reasonable, contained, trailblazing dialogue that helps everyone find his or her place among equals because this is how we avoid trouble. From the micro to the macro, this is how we avoid cases of clueless kids who don't know who they are and suddenly find themselves with HIV. This is how we tip the scales in favor of marriage equality.
I just want to be happy. I deserve to be happy, dammit.
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