Their Special Relationship

     I remember my early ambition. During my formative years, in middle and high school, I was consumed with pictures of success and stereotypical dreams. It didn't matter that I sacrificed relationships in my strivings to be the best. This top position required diligence, originality, and a mask of sweetness; I was conniving, and I knew that concealing my ambition was key. 

     Operating on this inhuman level, however, makes one ignorant of functioning emotionally. One loses touch with parts of himself kept hidden away for too long. He loses track of what he put where and begins to grow paranoid, afraid of confronting these possibly unsavory aspects. His composure checks his feelings, and most people never want to dig for them. They never know. 

     She never knew that her profile made a strong impression on me. She had no idea that she both elated and injured me when her attitude changed for the better or worse. When we were alone, I began to imagine scenarios in which she would punch my face. I yearned for her to shatter my mask because I suspected, at the time, that we were the same. My belief - that the things people hide within themselves notice the things hidden in others - fueled me. If she could just have punched me, then our deceptions would have ended. We might have formed a special relationship; we would have shared a secret. Our true selves should have been revealed to one another in that painful moment, our flaws mutually accepted. And then everything could have been easier. 

     Because of my ambition, she was a very inconvenient person in my life. I became restless, and the emotions I trapped beneath my composure were hazy. Yet, she was the reason I began to balance on a fine line of feeling. She was a part of the first creative flutter of my heart and why I sometimes forgot to breathe, teetering over the edge of the unknown. She taught me the necessity of sacrificing seemingly important things in the name of emotion. 

     So I'll give her my thanks now, long overdue and cryptic as it is. Even if this can mean nothing to her, it's finally out of me - the me I'm proud to be. Because of her, I set myself free.